The Crazy Japan Times

--Pithy Epigraph Goes Here--

Days Eight and Nine | Days 10 and 11 | Day 12 | Day 13 | Day 14 | Final Day | Page One

Hatsu Basho: Days Eight and Nine

This would have been just peachy for the might Hawaiian, except Akebono suffered an annoying loss to the slow hair growing Miyabiyama. Akebono rocked him with a couple sharp thrusts and him on the way back and out, then inexplicably went for his belt. This left Akebono with his hips too high and Miyabiyama did a quick spin at the rice bales and Akebono fell out and rolled off the dohyo. How can one so good look so bad. . .

In other action, Musoyama easily dispatched Kotonowaka. Chiotaikai only needed one arm to flip Kotonishiki onto his backside. Dejima had no trouble with Tochiazuma. Terao lost a fierce but sloppy bout to Akinoshima to drop to 5-4. Takatoriki embarassed Kyokushusan to go to 3-6 (Takatricky won yesterday too.)

Takanonami used his usual slide and spin to beat Tochinonada.

This means on Day 9 we have two rikishi, Akebono and Musoyama tied at 8-1 and four wrestlers, including Miyabiyama and Takanonami at 7-2. Akebono has already beaten some of them, giving him the clear advantage, but he still must get past Dejima. I don't remember if Akebono and Musoyama have wrestled yet, but I'll check on it. Behind them are three maybe four rikishi at 6-3. I'd say we're heading for an exciting finish. Akebono's been looking good until today. If he keeps his wits about him I think he has a shot but there's a lot of talent between him and yusho.

In the world of skank, and still on the theme of fights, I have to relate one of the most frightening bits of skank I've ever heard. Some of you may have heard about a public feud between two of the grand dames of Japanese celebrities. In one corner was Machi, short for Machiko, an aging actress/singer in need of publicity and in the other corner, Sachi, short for Sachiko, the wife of the Hanshin Tigers' coach. After endless months of countless news reports, the feud finally, mercifully, petered out. Now, however, Sachi has suddenly announced she is going to release a book of "sexy" photos, possibly including nude or semi-nude shots. What makes this frightening is that Sachi is about as attractive as Margaret Thatcher would be if she suddenly "let herself go" (ie put on weight, got bad hair and bad make up.) The Japanese media and public are waiting for this book with same mix of horror and fascination that preceded both Nostradamus's July 1999 prediction and Y2K.

I, of course, will be there (ie watching Tonight2) and will shovel all the dirt your way.

Yours,

Dwayne Lively, SS (Some Skank)

Hatsu Basho: Days 10-11

Takanohana also won his two bouts with solid, forward moving Sumo, but who cares? He's not a factor until Sunday when he faces Akebono.

Of more importance, Musoyama spent only one day tied for the lead before losing to a feisty Tochiazuma (he of the amazingly strong toes.) They battled belt to belt in the center for the better part of a minute then Musoyama attempted a spin move but got caught in the trying of it and ended up outside the ring. He remains in the hunt though, especially after wrestling a perfect strategy against Takanonami today. Musoyama is 9-2. Takanonami is 7-4.

Miyabiyama and all the other Yusho contenders also won their matches to keep themselves in the hunt. Terao has been losing. Dejima, an ozeki, won today using a henka. He apparently studies at the Takanonami school of doing whatever it takes to win because even though sumo plays lip service to style and ganbatte spirit all the powers that be really care about is wins.

This means with four days left we have one person at 10-1, four at 9-2, and 3 at 8-3. Akebono has yet to face Tochinonada (tomorrow) the two ozeki and Takanohana. He may have already beaten Musoyama, but I'm not sure. I don't remember them wrestling. If they haven't, I can't imagine an ozeki being bumped to get him on Akebono's schedule, but it wouldn't surprise me. Looks like it's going down to the last day.

The only thing resembling skank I've heard has to do with Beat Takeshi's Strange Japanese Habits. It seems one of the foreign panelists, a man from Pakistan, was fired from the bakery he worked at for criticising the size of his bonus when compared to that of his Japanese colleagues, especially ones with less seniority. Mind you, his boss, who had gone so far as to make him a supervisor didn't fire him, it was the boss's bosses who ordered the firing, threatening the boss's job if he didn't do the deed himself. Irony 1: he never mentioned the bakery or the company by name. Irony 2: the topic was discrimination against foreigners in the job market.

Glad to see Japan is still a democracy. Of course, given the heavy police presence at the annual Yamanote Line Halloween Party last year, the impromptu and repeated interrogations we were subjected to on the platforms, and the memos we were handed saying parties and large groups were illegal on the trains (except during rush hour apparently) I already pretty much suspected that.

Dwayne Lively, SITTM (Stickin' it to The Man)

Hatsu Basho: Day 12

The most important news of the day is that Akebono lost in one of those epically embarassing ways he sometimes manages to lose. After blasting the low-ranked Tochinonada to the bales in under two seconds, Akebono took a weak step and gave a weak push as if he thought Nada were already out, or at least on his way out. Instead, Nada casually stepped to the side and Akebono walked right out. It was so ugly it probably made US television.

The good news, unless you're a purist, is that with three days left we have four men tied for the lead at 10-2 (Akebono, Musoyama, Miyabiyama and Kyokutenho) and three men at 9-3, including Takanohana. Only Tak and Akebono and Musoyama and the surprising Kyokutenho will actually face each other, meaning we will almost certainly end up with some sort of play off. Even more intriguing, if Akebono and Miyabiyama both lose, and Kyokutenho beats Musoyama, we will end up with a lower Maegashira from Mongolia taking Yusho.

Boring stuff, I tell ya. Tak should have already wrapped it up. . .

Dwayne Lively, LEMOI (Lovin' Every Minute Of It.)

Hatsu Basho: Day 13

First, I must correct a mistake in yesterday's report. I said Musoyama was fighting Kyokutenho today. I meant to say Miyabiyama was fighting Kyokutenho today. All due apologies, etc, so forth, otherwise. With that painful experience behind me. . .

Akebono recovered from yesterday's embarrassment by quickly dispatching Dejima to the sidelines. Dejima attempted a half-hearted throw, but Ak was never in any trouble and pushed him out. This was Ak's first victory over Dejima in, I think, six tries or so.

Takanohana beat Chiotaikai in a wild one. Two seconds after the tachiai, Tak suddenly felt the bales hit the bottoms of his sliding feet. He attempted his patented spin move, but Taikai was waiting for it and the only result was a an odd squat from Taikai. Nonetheless, this allowed Tak to escape and when they matched up again, Tak quickly took control and pushed Taikai out of the ring and out of Yusho contention.

All the other Yusho hopefuls won, which means that while there are now only three men at the top with 11-2 records, there are 4 behind them with 10-3. As only Ak and Tak will face each other, a 7 man playoff is suddenly possible if the top three all lose once and the second four all close out with wins. (Unless I'm horribly misdoing the math.) This is unlikely, but I think we can pretty much count on a playoff of some sort. I'm setting my VCR for extra time, you can be rest assured.

There is apparently a power struggle going on in Aum Shinrikyu. Last month the charismatic, bi-lingual leader of Aum's Russian branch was released from prison after serving his time. (He was never connected to the gassings, although he almost certainly helped find the raw materials and equipment needed to make the gas.) As the de-facto leader of Aum he 1) changed the cult's name to Aleph and, 2) for the first time implicated leader Shoko Asahara in the Subway gassing and a number of other crimes. Although this guy has a strong contingent behind him, some of the rank and file are apparently unpleased and today six of them kidnapped Asahara's oldest son, who had been living on one of the "splinter" compounds. One guy has been captured already, but he's not talking. Like all things related to Aum, today's incident makes very little sense.

Of course, the most horrible news of the day is the impending break up of Pocket Biscuits. The background, if I'm understanding it is thus: To celebrate the new year, Pocket Biscuits performed a live-broadcast concert with the Yuming Band. Udo had to learn to do an entire guitar solo, and the other guy (Ut-chan? Nan-chan?) had to recreate the piano duet he and a fellow commedian had done a few years back at a Yuming concert. The highlight of the performance was Chiaki's duet with the lead singer of Yuming. Chiaki was great and, at least this is their story and their sticking with it, Udo and the other guy decided they were holding her back and it was time for her to go solo. The big scene on tonight's program apparently represented their last supper, so to speak, and is setting up the announcement of whether Chiaki will be replaced (as Vivian Hsu was) or if Pokebi will just break up. The latter is possible, as neither BB or Pokebi have released anything in a long while. However, I'm expecting the former. Either way, it looks as if Chiaki is on her way to a solo career. Needless to say, Chiaki was crying her eyes out. As always.

Dwayne Lively, FOAC (Freaked Out and Crying)

Hatsu Basho: Day 14

First of all, Akebono lost a quick match to Chiotaikai. At the tachiai, Taikai executed a perfect hit and shift to get himself on Ak's right side. After that it was only a matter of pushing the sluggish looking Hawaiian out of the ring. Ak said that he'd felt confident before the match but didn't follow his opponent's moves well. Yeah, that's one way to put it.

Takanohana had little trouble with Dejima. Although Dejima won the initial charge and moved Tak halfway to the bales, Tak merely grabbed D's mawashi and hauled him around to the bales and pushed him out.

Kyokutenho lost to Musoyama, meaning I retracted the wrong mistake yesterday. Actually, I guess I was half right. Therefore, I retract half of my previous retraction. Next time I promise I'll read the television charts a little more closely. As for the match, Mus unleashed a flurry of moves and out went K-ho with little resistance. Unless stopping slaps with your face counts as resistance. . .

Miyabiyama lost a belt battle with Katanowaka, a rikishi I've never actually heard of. He might be in juryo, which makes the loss even more embarassing.

In the best match of the day, Kyokushusan won an extended match against Kotonowaka. After some wild slapping and pushing, they settled into a belt battle. Shusan was low and had a strong left hand grip. Although K-waka tried a couple throws, he couldn't topple Shusan. Finally, Shusan unleashed a series of pushes and pulls and ended up throwing K-waka onto his back.

Takanonami won to go 9-5. He needs one more win to return to ozeki. My advice for his day 15 opponent: expect a henka.

All that leaves us with one man at 12-2 (Musoyama) and three men at 11-3 (Ak, Tak and Miyabiyama.) The straight skinny is that the yusho is now in Musoyama's hands. If he beats Kaio tomorrow, he takes yusho. If he loses, he will have to go into a playoff with either Ak or Tak. If Miyabiyama wins, we could have a three man playoff. I'm hoping for free sumo, but Kaio has been horribly inconsistent this basho. Maybe he will rise to the occasion.

No cultural news today but I'll be on the lookout.

Dwayne Lively, OOCAI (Out Of Catchy Abbreviation Ideas)

Hatsu Basho: Final Day

Akebono lost to Takanohana after a long belt battle. Although Ak was hanging in there he seemed to give up at the end. Like risking an injury for second place wasn't worth it.

Dejima crushed Chiotaikai.

Takanonami won his last match to go 10-5 and guarantee his return to Ozeki. I was most impressed by the fact that 1) he didn't henka and 2) won moving forward. He apparently wanted to look Ozeki-like in this very important match. At the interview after the match you could tell he was fighting back tears. Kind of touching actually.

Kyokushusan got his 8th victory by beating Takanowaka (whom I incorrectly called Katanowaka yesterday.) Takwak is, according to Sumo World, a name to watch. He was impressive this basho, going 10-5 and earning a special prize.

All in all I'd say this was a good basho, although the purists will hate it, and the sumo was quite solid if not particularly memorable. The quality was generally good, especially compared to last year, and you have to love Shusan's "over-thigh sweeping body drop." Ak looked good but choked once again. Tak looked good also but he's not as impressive as he was two years ago. Musashigawa beya reigns supreme.

Watching this basho, I did come up with two rule changes I'd make if I were God of Sumo, or if anyone were listening:

1) Any rikishi who jumps out toward the seats or goes out of the ring backwards, loses, even if the other person touches down first. (I'll grant you, that's hard to enforce but it would prevent some of the cheap wins people manage to steal.)

2) All rikishi in the sanhyaku ranks (Komosubi, Sekiwake, Ozeki and Yokozuna) must face each other, even if they are from the same heya. I understand the tradition and can see it at the lower ranks. At the top, though, I think it's better for the sport if the best wrestle the best. In this basho, this rule change would have meant that Musoyama would have faced Dejima in the last two days, instead of lower ranked men, which could have changed the outcome. I don't buy the argument that it all evens out. True, Futagayamabeya (Wak's and Tak's heya) once rained supreme and have now fallen, but I still think there's something inherently unfair in not having to face two or three of the best people in your sport.

I can't take anything from The Mus, though, he looked great. Congratulations to him. Enjoy the shitake mushrooms.

Sophie Marceau was in town today and nobody told me. Damn them all.

That's all the Sumo news from January. It will be back in March, though. Until then I will keep you satisfied with a proper diet of cultural skank. Please keep me updated on the latest PC wave in Canada, and the decline and fall of Blairism.

Dwayne Lively, OHASS (Outta Here and Stalking Sophie)

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